周家二宝猪的个人资料

【每日一笑】what do I get? what do I get?Teacher: If I cut a beefsteak in half and then cut the half in half, what do I get? Tommy: Quarters. Teacher: And then if I cut it twice again? Tommy: Hamburger.我能得到什么？老师：如果我把一块牛排切成两半的两半，我能得到几块儿？汤米：四块。老师：那我要是再切两次，我能得到什么呢？汤米：汉堡。

【每日一笑】 How to Become Rich? How to Become Rich?Little brother: I saw you kiss my elder sister, and if you don't give me a nickel I'll tell my father. Sister's boyfriend: No, don't do that. Here's a nickel. Little brother: That makes a buck and a quarter I've made this month.如何致富？弟弟：我看见你亲我姐姐了，如果你不给我五分钱，我就告诉我爸。姐姐的男朋友：不要那样做。给你五分钱。弟弟：我这个月已经赚了一块两毛五了。

【每日一笑】He Really Ill? Is He Really Ill?On a hot summer day an elderly gentleman faints in the street. A small 　　 crowd immediately gathers around him. 　　　"Give the poor man a glass of brandy," advises a woman. "Give him a　　 heart massage, " says someone else. 　　　"No, just give him some brandy," insists the woman. "Call an ambulance,"　　 yells another person. 　　　"A brandy!" The man suddenly sits up and exclaims. "Shut up, everybody,　　 and do as the kind lady says!"他真病了吗？在一个炎热的夏天，一位上了年纪的男子昏倒在街头。一群人立刻　　围了上去。　　　“给这个可怜的人一杯白兰地吧。” 一位女士建议。　　　“给他一点治心脏病的药。” 另外一个人说。　　　“不，还是给他一些白兰地，”那位女士坚持说。　　　“还是叫一辆救护车吧。” 有人叫道。　　　“一杯白兰地。” 　　　这时地上的那个人坐了起来，嚷着，“都闭嘴，就照那位好心的太太　　说得去做！”

【每日一歌】Can we have our teacher back？ Can we have our teacher back？ Once a superintendent of schools was visiting a three-room school. One room was very noisy, so the man grabbed a tall boy who had been standing up talking. He took the boy into another room and stood him in the corner. Five minutes later, a smalll boy came out of the first room and said, "When can we have our teacher back?" 能让我们的老师回去吗？有一次，一位督学去视察一个只有三间教室的学校。一间教室非常吵闹，因此督学抓住其中一个正在站着说话的人，把他带进另一间教室，并让他站在墙角。五分钟以后，一个小男孩从第一间教室走进来，问道，“您什么时候能让我们的老师回去呢？”

【每日一笑】... 一天下午，最后一堂课还有5分钟时，英语老师拿起粉笔在黑板上写道： The class will wait for me after class.，然后就去了办公室。 5分钟后，他拿着所有人的英语试卷来到教室，只见黑板上的留言少了一个字母，变成了： The lass will wait for me after class.有几个人掩着嘴偷偷地笑，气急败坏的英语老师扫视着讲台下的一双双无辜的大眼睛怒道：“谁干得？”，过了30秒，台下依然鸦雀无声。。。 “小宝，你还笑！！站起来！！说！！是不是你干得？” 小宝从课桌上爬起来，依然忍不住想笑：“报告老师，不是我！” 小新举着手站起来说：“报告老师，是他，是他，就是他改的，我看到的！” 小宝：“胡说！我原来不是这样改的！你们又给我加了一笔！” 老师：“那你给我上来‘示范’一下，我看看你是怎么改的！” 小宝走到黑板前，拿小指擦掉了l 英语老师看到之后，差点没背过气去。。。 The ass will wait for me after class.

【每日一笑】I'm the bridegroom's mother I'm the bridegroom's mother The lady with the large flowery hat was stopped at the church door by the usher. "Are you a friend of the bride?" he asked. "Certainly not," she snapped. "I'm the bridegroom's mother." 我是新郎的母亲一位头戴扎满鲜花帽子的女士在教堂门前被招待员拦住了。 “您是新娘的朋友吗？” 他问道。 “当然不是，”她厉声答道，“我是新郎的母亲！”

【每日一笑】I'm the Biggest Liar. I'm the Biggest Liar. Stranger: Catch any fish? Fisherman: Did I! I took forty out of this stream this morning. Stranger: Know who I am? I'm the game warden. Fisherman: Know who I am? I'm the biggest liar in the state. 我是最大的说谎者陌生人：钓到鱼了吗？钓鱼者：我是谁？一早晨我就在这条小溪钓到了40多条鱼呢。陌生人：你知道我是谁吗？我是这里的渔猎执行官。钓鱼者：那你知道我是谁吗？我是全国最大的说谎者。

【每日一笑】 The Umbrella The Umbrella A gentleman staying in a hotel left his umbrella in the hall, but he had put on the handle a card on which was written: "This umbrella belongs to a gentleman who can lift up a hundred pounds. I shall be back in ten minutes." When he came back, he found, instead of his umbrella, another card on which was written,"This card belongs to a man who can run ten miles an hour. I shall not come back." 雨伞一位住在旅馆的绅士把他的雨伞放在了大厅里，不过他在伞柄上系了　　一张卡片，上面写道，“此伞属于一位能举百磅的绅士。我将在十分钟　　内回来。当他回来时，发现雨伞已经不翼而飞，取而代之的是另一张卡片，　　上面写着：“此卡是一位一小时能跑十英里的人留下的，我将永远不回来　　了。”

【每日一笑】Go to Heaven To Go to Heaven Sunday School teacher: Hands up all those who want to go to Heaven? 　… What about you, Terry? You haven't got your hand up, don't you want to go to Heaven? Terry: I can't, My mum told me to go straight home. 去天堂主日学校的教员：想去天堂的人举起手来。……你呢，特里？你还没举手呢，特里，难道你不想去天堂吗？特里：我去不了，因为妈妈让我一放学就回家。

【每日一笑】 Bring Me The Winner Bring Me The Winner Once, a fellow went into a restaurant and ordered a two-pound lobster. "Waiter," he said when his meal was placed before him, "this lobster has only one claw." 　 "I'm sorry, sir," the waiter replied. "but sometimes the lobsters fight in the tank." 　 "In that case," the diner said, "bring me the winner." 我要赢者一次，一位客人进入餐馆，他点了一只两磅重的龙虾。 “服务员，”他指着端上来的龙虾说，“这只龙虾为什么只有一只爪？” “对不起，先生，”服务员回答说，“因为龙虾有时会在水槽里打架。”“噢，如果是这样的话，”顾客说，“请把打赢的那只给我拿来吧。”

【每日一笑】Jack's Answer Jack's Answer The teacher is asking an arithmetic question: "Jack, if you found three dollars in your right pocket and two dollars in your left pocket, what would you have?" "I must have somebody else's pants on." 杰克的答案老师正在问一道算术题：“杰克，如果你在你右边口袋里发现了3美元，左边口袋里发现了4美元，你一共有多少呢？”“我肯定是穿着别人的裤子。”

【每日一笑】Sleeping Pills Sleeping Pills Bob was having trouble getting to sleep at night. He went to see his doctor, who prescribed some extra-strong sleeping pills. Sunday night Bob took the pills, slept well and was awake before he heard the alarm. He took his time getting to the office, strolled in and said to his boss: "I didn't have a bit of trouble getting up this morning." "That's fine," roared the boss, "but where were you Monday and Tuesday?" 安眠药鲍勃晚上失眠。他去看医生，医生给他开了一些强力安眠药。星期天晚上鲍勃吃了药，睡得很好，在闹钟响之前就醒了过来。他到了办公室，遛达进去，对老板说：“我今天早上起床一点麻烦都没有。” “好啊!”老板吼道，“那你星期一和星期二到哪儿去了？”

【每日一笑】Three Whistles Three Whistles I promised my girlfriend a gold necklace for her birthday, but when the jeweler quoted a price for one we liked, I let out a long, low whistle. "And how much are they then?" I asked, pointing to another tray. "You, sir," replied the jeweler, "about three whistles." 三声口哨我答应过我的女朋友过生日进送她一条金项链。可是当珠宝商报出我们看中的那条项链的价格时，我低低地打了个长口哨。“那这条项链多少钱呢？”我指着另一个盘子里的项链问。 “先生，对你来说，”珠宝商答道，“大约值三声口哨。”

【每日一笑】Take Me to London Take Me to London The pilot felt a gun sticking in his back, and a voice hissed in his ear, "Take me to London.""But we are going to London." said the pilot. "I know. But I've been hijacked to Cuba twice before, so this time I'm taking no chances." 带我去伦敦飞行员感觉到有一只手枪正顶着他的后背，耳边传来一阵嘶嘶地说话声，“把我带到伦敦去！” “可是我们正是去伦敦呀。”飞行员说。 “我知道，我以前曾经两次被劫持到古巴，这回我可不再冒险了

【每日一笑】I'm a Letter-carrier I'm a Letter-carrier A doctor told his patient there was nothing really the matter 　 with him. " All you requir is more outdoor life; walk two or three 　 miles regularly everyday; by the way, what's your business? " 　" I'm a letter-carrier." the patient answered. 我是邮递员医生告诉他的病人说他没有什么毛病。“你现在需要的就是更多的户外生活；天天坚持走二三里路；顺便问一下，你是干什么工作的？” “我是邮递员。”病人回答。

【每日一笑】 West Point West Point My father, brother and I visited West Point to see a football game between Army and Boston College. Taking a stroll before kickoff, we met many cadets in neatly pressed uniforms. Several visting fans asked the recruits if they would pose for photographs, "to show our son what to expect if he should attend West Point." One middle-aged couple approached a very attractive female cadet and asked her to pose for a picture. They explained, "We want to show our son what he missed by not coming to West Point." 父亲、哥哥和我到西点军校去观看一场陆军与波士顿大学之间的橄榄球赛。开始之前，我们到处转了转，碰到许多穿着整齐制服的学员。几名游客问新兵是否愿意摆出军姿来让他们摄。“好认我们的儿子知道，如果他到西点军校来学习会得到什么。”

【每日一笑】 Watching TV Watching TV Son: Daddy, I want to watch TV. Dad: No electricity tonight. Son: Then let's watch TV with a candle on. 看电视儿子：爸爸，我想看电视。爸爸：今晚上没电。儿子：那咱们点上蜡烛看电视吧。

【每日一笑】 Doctor's Orders Doctor's Orders Brown: I'm sorry to see you so unwell. Have you seen the doctor? Jack: 　Yes. I'm having three baths a day. Brown: What for? Jack: Don't know, doctor's orders. He gave me some medicine and told me to follow the directions on the bottle, which read:" One tablespoonful to be taken three times a day in water." 紧遵医嘱布朗：看到你身体这样不好真让人难过。你去看医生了吗？杰克：看过了，我现在一天洗三次澡。布朗：为什么？杰克：我也不知道，这是医生的嘱咐。他给了我一些药并告诉我要按照药瓶上的说明去做。说明上面写着“一天三次在水中服一汤匙。” 注：正确的意思是：“和着水服一汤匙，一天三次。”

【每日一笑】 The Lucky Cat The Lucky Cat "Father," said Jimmy, running into the drawing-room," there's a bigblack cat in the dining-room." "Never mind, Jimmy," said his father drowsily, "black cats are lucky.""This one is; he's just had your dinner!" 幸运猫吉米跑进客厅说：“爸爸，餐厅里有一只大黑猫！”他的父亲懒洋洋得说：“没关系，吉米，黑猫是幸运猫呢。” “它的确很幸运：（因为）它刚把你的晚饭给吃了。”

【每日一笑】 Goethes Tolerance Goethes Tolerance Goethe was once strolling on a narrow path in a park in Weimar. As luck would have it, he met with a critic who was hostile to him. Both of them stopped, staring at each other. Then the critic said, "I'll never make way for a fool." "But I will," with that Goethe retreated aside. 　　　　歌德的容忍　　一次，歌德正在魏玛一个公园的一条狭窄小道上散步。碰巧他遇见一个对他怀有敌意的评论家。两人都停了下来，彼此相互对视。接着评论家说道：“我从来不给傻瓜让路。” “可我给。”说完歌德退到了一边。

【每日一笑】 I Had to Change It Twice I Had to Change It Twice Judge: I don't understand why you broke into the same store three nights in a row. Prisoner: Well, Your Honor, I picked out a dress for my wife, and I had to change it twice because she didn't like the style. 不得不换两次法官：我真不明白你为什么连续三天夜里闯入同一家商店呢？犯人：噢，阁下，我为我妻子挑选了一件衣服，因为她总是不喜欢衣服的样式，所以,我才不得不去换了两次。

【每日一笑】 Who do you think you are Who do you think you are? The bus was crowded, and as one more man tried to get on, the passengers wouldn’t let him aboard. 　　“It is too crowded, “they shouted.” who do you think you are?” 　　“I am the driver.” he said. (你以为你是谁？) 公共汽车上很挤，当又一个人还是试图上车时，乘客们不让他上。　　“车上太挤了，”他们喊道，“你以为你是谁？” 　　“我是司机！”他说。 [单词通缉令] aboard: adv.在船(飞机、车)上, 上船(飞机、车)prep.在(船、飞机、车)上, 上(船、飞机、车). on board:到船上, 在船上 go aboard: 上船 (上飞机等) All aboard! 请上船[飞机、车],都上来!

【每日一笑】 Who was fighting? Who was fighting? Mother: Freddie, why is your face so red? 　　Freddie: I was running up the street to stop a fight. 　　Mother: That's a very nice thing to do. Who was fighting? 　　Freddie: Me and Jackie Smith. (谁在打架)妈妈：弗雷迪，你的脸为什么那么红？　　弗雷迪：我刚才在大街上跑，为的是阻止一次打架？　　妈妈：你做的对，谁和谁在打架。　　弗雷迪：我和杰克·史密斯。

【每日一笑】Not to Be Taken Out Not to Be Taken Out Mark Twain once went to borrow a certain book from a neighbour in Tarry town. "May I borrow a book from you?" he asked politely. "Yes,you're more than welcome to it," the neighbour told him. "But I must ask you to read it here. You know I make a rule never to let any book go out of my library." Some days later the neighbour wished to borrow Twain's machine for cutting grass in the garden. "Why,certainly," Twain told him,"You're more than welcome to it. But I must ask you to use it here. You know that I make it a rule never to let it go out of my garden." 概不外借在特里镇，马克.吐温有一次去一位邻居那儿借本书。 “我可以向您借本书吗？”他礼貌地问道。 “当然，非常乐意，”邻居告诉他，“但我要求你在这儿读。你知道我有一条规定，那就是决不让一本书拿出我的图书室。 ” 几天后，这位邻人想从吐温那儿借台割草机。 “噢，当然，”吐温告诉他，“非常乐意借给你。但我要你在这儿用。你知道我从来不允许它拿出我的花园。”

【每日一笑】 After receiving warnings from his father, a pupil was so worried that he came to school to tell his teacher:"I don't mean to frighten you but my father said somebody would surely get slapped on face if I failed the exam again." 一个小学生的父亲警告他说:“如果没有超过60分，准有人挨巴掌！”到了学校，小学生忧心忡忡的找来老师，并对老师说：“不是我吓唬您啊！我爸爸说了，如果我再不及格准有人挨巴掌！”

【每日一笑】 While taking photos of a bear eating fish in the forest, two journalists found the annoyed beast turned around to chase them. In running, one journalist said to the other:"Can't run any more! What should we do?" "No idea. But one of us will have his photo on the headline (tomorrow)." replied his colleague. 两个记者在森林中拍摄熊吃鱼的镜头，忽然熊发现了他们并向他们冲过来，两个记者拼命的跑，最后都要跑不动了。一个记者说：“我们怎么办？”这时另一个记者对他的同伴说：“我也不知道，不过我们中的一个要上头条了……”

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【每日一笑】Why Is He Howling　 Why Is He Howling　 Dentist: Please stop howling. I haven't even touched your tooth yet. Patient: I know, but you are standing on my foot! 他为啥喊牙医：请你不要再喊了！我还没碰你的牙呢．病人：我知道，可是你正踩着我的脚呀！

【每日一歌】我，Not Going Anywhere，只想安静 Not Going Anywhere this is why i aways wonder i'm a pond full of regrets i always fry to not remember rather than forget this is why i always whisper when pagabonds are passing by i fend to keep myself away from their goodbyes fide will rise and fall along the bay and i's not going anywhere i'm not going anywhere people come and go and walk away but i'm not going anywhere i'm not going anywhere this why i always whisper i'm a riper with a spell i like to hear but not to listen i like to say but not to tell this why i always wonder there's nothing new under the sun i won't go anywhere so give my love to everyone fide will rise and fall along the bay and i'm ont going anywhere i'm not going anywhere people come and go and walk away but i'm not going anywhere i'm not going anywhere 这就是为什么我总是惊讶我心中充满后悔我总是努力不去记住并非忘记这就是为什么我总是低语当流浪汉经过这里我总是让自己远离他们的道别潮水沿着海湾起起落落而我哪里也下去我哪里也下去人们来来去去但是我哪里也不去我哪里也不去这就是为什么我总是低语我是一条被诅咒的河流我想要所到而不是听我想要说而不是告诉这就是为什么我总是惊讶阳光下没有新的东西我哪里也不去去把我的爱给所有的人潮水沿着海湾起起落落而我哪里也不去我哪里也不去人们来来去去但是我哪里也不去我哪里也不去 http://www.ten-year.com/blog/temp/music/Keren_Ann_Not_Going_Anywhere.mp3

【每日一笑】Two Tickets Two Tickets "My husband is so ugly that when he goes to the zoo he has to buy two tickets: one to get in and one to get out." 两张票 “我丈夫长得特别丑，每次他去动物园都不得不买两张票：一张是进动物园　的，另一张是出动物园的。”

【每日一笑】 Does He Bite? Does He Bite? Reggie:We have got a new dog. Would you like to come around and play with him? Ron: Well, I don't know---does he bite? Reggie: That's what I want to find out. 它咬人吗？里基：我们又得到了一条新狗，你愿意过来和他玩一会吗？罗恩：嗯，我不知道----它咬人吗？里基：这正是我想要查明的。

【每日一笑】Bedtime Prayers Bedtime Prayers 睡前祷告词 Julie was saying her bedtime prayers. “Please God,” she said, “Make 　 Naples the capital of Italy.” 　　　 Her mother interrupted and said. “Julie, why do you want God to make 　 Naples the capital of Italy?” 　　　 And Julie replied, “Because that’s what I put in my geography exam!” 朱莉叶在做睡前祈祷。“祷告上帝。”她说，“让那不勒斯成为意大利的　首都吧。让那不勒斯成为意大利的首都吧。” 　　　妈妈打断她说：“朱莉叶，你为什么求上帝让那不勒斯成为意大利的首都　呢？” 　　　朱莉叶回答说：“因为我的地理考卷上是这么写的。”

【每日一笑】Early Shopper Early Shopper It was Christmas and the judge was in a benevolent mood as he questioned the prisoner. "What are you charged with?" he asked. "Doing my christmas shopping early," replied the defendant. "That's no offense," replied the judge, "How early were you doing this shopping?" "Before the store opened," countered the prisoner. 采购过早那天是圣诞节，法官在审讯犯人时也有点恻隐之心。“你为什么而被起诉？”他问。 “采购圣诞节物品过早。”被告答。 “这不算犯法，”法官回答，“你购物多早？” 在商店开门之前，“犯人应道。

【每日一歌】舞Tiggy - why曲 Tiggy - why Standing beside you Wishing you'd always be close to me And how can I tell you Every night I see you in my dream Bridge: Believe me, don't leave me I would never let you go Refrain: Why, why do this have to be a fantasy Let's make our love become reality Oh how I pray for that day to come When we'll be joined together close as one Together close as one I feel the passion Burning deep inside my soul And you're the solution I know you'd catch me if I fall (Bridge) (Refrain) [(Nananana nanana) Together as one] x4 Ouh... yea...yea...ouh...hey (Bridge) (Refrain) [(Nananana nanana) Together as one] x4 Ouh... oh together as one oh 站在你的身旁希望你可以一直离我很近我如何告诉你每夜在梦里我看见你 bridge: 相信我，不要离开我我永远不要你走 refrain: 为什么，为什么这只能是个梦让我们让爱成真哦我多么祈祷那天的到来那时我们将近如一体近如一体我感受到这激情在我灵魂深处燃烧你是解决它的方法如果我坠落你http://www.tonyed.com/mymusic/why.wma会抓住我

【每日一笑】He Knows the Answer He Knows the Answer Teacher: Can you tell me anything about the great scientists of the 18th century? Pupil: Yes, sir, I can. They are all dead. 他知道答案教师：你能告诉我一些有关十八世纪的伟大科学家的事情吗？学生：我能，先生。他们都死了。

【每日一笑】When Was Rome Built? When Was Rome Built? Teacher: When was Rome built? Tom: At night. Teacher: Who told you that? Tom: You did. You said Rome wasn't built in a day. 老师：罗马是什么时候建成的？汤姆：在夜里建成的。老师：谁告诉你的？汤姆：是您啊。您说过罗马不是在一个白天建成的。

【每日一笑】 West Point West Point My father, brother and I visited West Point to see a football game between Army and Boston College. Taking a stroll before kickoff, we met many cadets in neatly pressed uniforms. Several visting fans asked the recruits if they would pose for photographs, "to show our son what to expect if he should attend West Point." One middle-aged couple approached a very attractive female cadet and asked her to pose for a picture. They explained, "We want to show our son what he missed by not coming to West Point." 父亲、哥哥和我到西点军校去观看一场陆军与波士顿大学之间的橄榄球赛。开始之前，我们到处转了转，碰到许多穿着整齐制服的学员。几名游客问新兵是否愿意摆出军姿来让他们摄。“好认我们的儿子知道，如果他到西点军校来学习会得到什么。” 一对中年夫妇走近一名非常漂亮的女学员，问她是否愿意摆个姿势照相。他们解释说：“我们想让儿子知道他没来西点军校错过了什么。”

【每日一笑】 Best Reward Best Reward A naval officer fell overboard. He was rescued by a deck hand. The officer asked how he could reward him. "The best way, sir," said the deck hand, "is to say nothing about it. If the other fellows knew I'd pulled you out, they'd chuck me in." 最好的奖赏一名海军军官从甲板上掉入海中。他被一名甲板水手救起。这位军官问如何才能酬谢他。 “最好的办法，长官，”这名水手说，“是别声张这事。如果其他人知道我救了您，他们会把我扔下去的。”