One cannot function with a broken heart and an exhausted mind.
I just woke up from a 12-hour sleep, before which was 74 hours of reading and writing with a 3-hour nap.
Now I’m exhausted, truly deeply insanely. I’m done writing. I don’t want to talk. I can’t even think.
I need a break to recover from this madness. A big break.
I’m going to need some fun read. Douglas Adams, Neil Gaiman, Anne Rice…..I need them to remind me of what FUN it, before I become a completely dull girl.
I’ll even turn to American TV shows, which would look spectacular if you don’t THINK while watching. And thinking is exactly what I do not need at this moment.
I’ll just lie on my bed for hours and do nothing. A few hours of idleness won’t make me feel guilty, after all.
But in the end I’ll have to face it. And when the time comes, even the big break cannot save me, because it’s not break that I seek.
It has been a nightmare, indeed. A living hell. But when I have lived through hell and look back at it, it pains me to admit how much I miss it. Those were good days, and it was a good departure.
I cannot function with a broken heart and an exhausted mind.
Well, actually, I CAN function with an exhausted mind. The past few weeks have proved it.
But I’m not strong enough to throw myself back into the life before hell, which seems so vague and far far away.
The last few weeks have become a memory, not for my head to remember, but for my heart to remember, for my soul to remember.
And I refuse to go back.
Maybe I don’t need this big break after all. It won’t make me feel better, because when I look back at it, the hours of idleness would leave nothing in my memory but blankness.
Only has time become memory that I will be able to judge, for that’s when suffering becomes blessing, and hell turns into heaven.